


who needs wings to fly?

by WafflesAndPancakes



Category: Ski Jumping RPF
Genre: Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love, M/M, Michi finds them, Michi is the best boyfriend ever, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Stefan has lost his wings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-20
Updated: 2019-04-20
Packaged: 2020-01-20 20:50:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18532921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WafflesAndPancakes/pseuds/WafflesAndPancakes
Summary: Stefan crashes and starts doubting everything. Michi is around to help him get his wings back.





	who needs wings to fly?

Stefan let himself fall onto the couch with a sigh and closed his eyes. The last weeks were not what he had expected, not what he had wanted, not what he had wished for. He was not himself during the training, his jumps kept getting worse and worse and he even fell today. His first crash in a long time. He was more than lucky that the winter season was over, but the summer season was about to start, and he wanted nothing more than shine as he had always done. He wanted to prove to everyone that he was able to fly.

“Stefan.”

A smile formed on his lips as he heard the voice of the other man. It was a little smile, and he knew that he was not looking all too happy, but he could feel his body slowly relaxing. The other male made him happy, at least his body knew that. His body knew that was safe. Stefan opened his eyes, only to turn his head away as he saw his friend’s worried eyes.

“Want to talk about it?”

He looked slowly up again, meeting Michi’s gaze. He sighed again, but he forced himself to nod, sitting up and making room for his best friend. Stefan pulled his legs up and placed his chin on his knees. Michi sat down next to him and placed a hand on his arm, waiting a few seconds for a reaction before pulling the younger one in a quiet hug. He knew that Stefan would talk once he felt more comfortable. Until then, he drew small circles with fingers across Stefan’s back.

“I just want to fly.”

It felt like a decade to Michi until his friend started to speak again. He carefully cupped the smaller one’s chin, forcing Stefan to look at him. A soft smile was on his lips when he started talking.

“You are flying, babe.”

Stefan shook his head and freed himself from his boyfriend’s grip before bringing some space between them. Michi closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath.

“I’m not, Michi. I- I don’t even know how flying feels anymore.”

“Stefan, please… This has been going on for how long? A week? Maybe two? This stuff happens from time to time, it doesn’t mean that you will never fly again. Trust me, better times are coming.”

Something in these words made Stefan incredibly angry. He wanted to punch something, he wanted to scream out loud, he wanted to… to be himself again. Not the loser-self he had become.

“You don’t understand it! Three and a half weeks, Michi. My last good jump was nearly a month ago! My jumps are miserable, I keep on fucking up the telemark and now I even crash. Tell me, how is this normal?!”

He got up and walked quickly to the door, putting on his running shoes and grabbing his jacket.

“What are you doing?”

Michi’s calm voice made his blood boil even more.

“Running. Alone.”

“Stefan…”

He did not hear more, as he went outside the apartment and slammed the door shut, leaving a confused and slightly annoyed Hayböck behind.

~

Stefan did not know for how long he had been outside. His feet had just followed the street as his mind had wandered off to the last season. A season that was good for him, not really perfect but good. They had traveled across Europe, trained, jumped, and everything had been well. And through all of this, Michi had been at his side, helping and motivating him. Even now he had wanted to help, but Stefan had just pushed him aside.

He stopped, only now noticing how out of breath he was. Running had never been his favorite exercise, but it had always been his way of coping with stress and conflicts. A fight with Michi? Running. A bad day at jumping? Running. Punishing himself. Again and again. Hoping that his extra training would gain his success at jumping. He did not want to believe that it sometimes had the opposite effect. And this form of punishment was better than his other way of coping with his problems. It was safer, at least in some way. It may leave scars on his soul, but no more scars on his body.

When his breathing had normalized a bit, he got up and started his way back, this time slower and more controlled, but still punishing him for his actions, especially his behavior towards Michi.

“Oh, so you finally returned?”

The same game as always. Stefan running away, and Michi playing hard-to-get and cold when he returned. Often times, much to their liking, this ended up with rough make-up-sex. But Stefan did not want to have sex right now, it would not have helped in any way, even though he wished it would.

“I’m going to take a shower. And don’t you even think about following me, Hayböck.”

~

As soon as the hot water touched his body, Stefan wanted to slide down the wall of the shower and cry. Life felt unfair, it was hard and he would never succeed. Throwing it all away felt so simple, so easy, it would lead to something better, something that made him happier. Happier than… ski jumping? Who did he try to fool? Ski jumping was his passion, nothing would make him happier than jumping. But he had not trained enough, his performance was incredibly bad, and he knew that he would never achieve anything anymore. He was a failure.

He could hear Michi at the door, knocking and asking if everything was okay. No, it was not. But he did not answer, he just let himself slide down the wall of the shower, burying his face in his hands. He clearly did not deserve a boyfriend as Michi, someone so truly beautiful and caring. The only thing he did was pushing him away. Michi would leave as everybody else in his love life had. He could end it. He could end his relationship with Michi, breaking up would give the older man the opportunity to get the boyfriend that he deserved. It would leave him alone, but Michi could be happier.

The door of the shower was opened and someone turned off the water. How had he opened the bathroom door? Did he not lock the door properly? Stefan could feel how he was picked up and wrapped into a warm and fluffy towel. Michi carried him into the living room, where he was placed on the big couch. His boyfriend left to go to the bedroom, picking up an old shirt of his and way too big sweatpants, in which he dressed Stefan after he had returned. Finally, he pulled him close and threw a big, cuddly blanket that Stefan’s mom had made across them.

“You did not…?”

Stefan shook his head, now burying his face into Michi’s broad chest. Michi’s hands wandered softly through his lover’s hair.

“Didn’t have the strength to get up and do it.”

“No. You had the strength to say no to hurting yourself.”

Stefan pulled a grimace, again shaking his head (as good as possible, as he still had his face buried in Michi’s chest).

“Don’t say that. I’m weak. I would have done it if I had the possibility to do so.”

“Stefan, please… I thought-“

“That I did better? That I was clean? That I was getting normal? Well, you thought wrong. I’m still the broken boy that you met the first time.”

Stefan wanted to get up, to get away from the man he loved but that he hurt so much with his actions. Gentle hands held him back, pulled him back into a soft embrace.

“I thought we had talked about it. No razors in the shower. I put them away this morning.”

The younger man looked at the other male and tilted his head slightly.

“You aren’t… angry? Disappointed?”

Michi sighed but smiled at Stefan. A surrendering smile, tired but still full of love.

“I know that I can’t force you to stop. I may convince you and talk you out of it in the situation, but it is you, who needs to tell yourself to stop. And it is my duty to keep you as safe as possible. Hence no razors in the shower. The blade could slip away and harm you badly.”

Stefan could feel his heart start to blossom, and joy filled his body. Soon after, tears started to flood his eyes as he kissed Michi gently.

“Don’t cry, dear.”

“I don’t deserve you… You are way too good for me…”

“Trust me, I think the same thing every time you fly down the hill.”

Stefan let out a quiet huff and closed his eyes, leaning his forehead against Michi’s shoulder.

“I told you, I can’t fly anymore. I have lost my wings.”

The taller man laughed and smiled, now happier, at his smaller boyfriend.

“Well, in the chaos you call your ‘office’, it’s no wonder that you can’t find them.”

“Asshole”, Stefan pouted and turned his head away, as Michi leaned in to kiss his boyfriend on his cheek, which led to another giggle from Michi.

“But I promise you, I will keep my eyes open for them.”

A few days later, Stefan found a small, black box on the table. He had just returned home from grocery shopping, and Michi was nowhere to be seen, so he did not know if the box was meant for him or not. It took him a minute or two to notice the note next to the box.

_“Found them ;) - M”_

When Stefan opened the box, a smile appeared on his lips. Inside was a silver bracelet with a pair of white wings.


End file.
